It was one year ago that I went to the ER, 6 weeks pregnant and in extreme pain. I went home that night with a diagnosis of dehydration and nausea. Then I passed out while trying to hobble to the bathroom. Two ambulance rides and one very painful ultrasound later, I was in a hospital room with a sore throat and several incisions in various places on my abdomen. There would be no baby for me. Even worse, my right fallopian tube was also gone now. It took five years for me to get pregnant and it was ripped away in an instant. I learned two very important lessons that day.
Pregnancy doesn't always equal having a baby. In all the time that I had mourned over my fertility issues, I never even considered this possibility. Getting pregnant was my entire focus. I didn't even know anyone that had lost a pregnancy, it seemed so easy for everyone else. Obviously, I knew pregnancy loss happens, I had just never thought of it as something that could happen me.
The universe doesn't care. It seems so unfair that some people just float through life and never have to worry. Actually, it IS unfair. I keep telling myself that I'm going to have a baby someday, that I'll cherish every moment of it because I had to struggle so hard, that it will all be worth it. Someday. Maybe there is no someday and why the hell should I have to struggle so flipping hard anyway.
It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I control the things I can and bitch relentlessly about the rest.
People don't care about others, no matter how much we say we do. There is a huge wall between being fertile and infertile. The fertiles don't care about the MC, or the fertility drugs and testing that IF have to go though. They ride along on their happy little cloud without thinking of how lucky they are, popping out kid after kid. Our IF side of the wall is bitter. It's not fair, especially since most IFs are ready of kids and would be wonderful parents. I know I will also cherish every moment with my future child also.
ReplyDeleteI am bitter and angry, and it sucks. I hope we both get the chance to cherish future kids.
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