02 April 2011

The Rage Within

Cycle Day Limbo

I feel so helpless and useless right now. I can't stand this waiting, just sitting around and doing nothing is driving me looney. I tried to fill the time with sex but that's already fizzled out and I'm back to nothing again. The angry outbursts seem to be more prevalent too and I spend way too much time crying angry tears. It's awful and emotionally draining. Fitting I suppose, I do feel dead inside. I can barely feel anything anymore, save the rage.

Then there's my husband, and he just doesn't get it. I'm angry, angry at our circumstances, angry that it comes so easy for everyone around us, angry at every pregnant cunt that I have to see or know about, angry at my own body for betraying me like this and angry at him for not understanding. Worse yet, I'm convinced that he thinks I'm a monster, and maybe I am. He seems to think that my anger is an oddity but I don't think that's true at all. I don't want to be such a bitch, just brimming with hatred. And yet I am.

We've been trying to have our first child for so long that other couples, who thought that they would have trouble conceiving, have actually lapped us.
K (the husband) loves to tell me that it's not a race to anyone other than me, but that's because they've all already won. Seventy-five months is a long time, too long. Anyone else been trying for over 6 years? I feel totally alone.

1 comment:

  1. I haven't been trying for 6 years, but I feel the same way. I feel like every day I'm waiting, CD after CD. I just spend the whole day thinking about my future child, how I'm going to get PG, and worrying if the current fertility treatment wont work and what's next. How are we going to pay for it? Sometimes it takes up so much of my day that I'm useless for everything else. I ignore my school work, house cleaning, friends. I become obsessed and it takes over my mind.

    I wish my husband understood. I mean he's part of it, I thought he would at least understand a little. I grab his arm and force him into the bedroom for the BD. And then get pissed if he can't cum. I have to do the rest of the work, dropping off the sperm is the easy part. Then we end up in an argument over it, or some TTC issue. I look like the psychotic one, and I probably am.

    And it is a race. No one wants to feel like they are the last infertile on the planet.