21 April 2011
Bad blogger!
I've been neglecting my blog, mostly because I've had nothing productive to say. I've finally started my first post miscarriage cycle though and I'm gearing up for the baby making marathon. Today is cycle day 9 so I started the OPK today. Nothing yet, but that's to be expected. I don't know when to expect the Big O but I'm hoping by the end of next week.
02 April 2011
The Rage Within
Cycle Day Limbo
I feel so helpless and useless right now. I can't stand this waiting, just sitting around and doing nothing is driving me looney. I tried to fill the time with sex but that's already fizzled out and I'm back to nothing again. The angry outbursts seem to be more prevalent too and I spend way too much time crying angry tears. It's awful and emotionally draining. Fitting I suppose, I do feel dead inside. I can barely feel anything anymore, save the rage.
Then there's my husband, and he just doesn't get it. I'm angry, angry at our circumstances, angry that it comes so easy for everyone around us, angry at every pregnant cunt that I have to see or know about, angry at my own body for betraying me like this and angry at him for not understanding. Worse yet, I'm convinced that he thinks I'm a monster, and maybe I am. He seems to think that my anger is an oddity but I don't think that's true at all. I don't want to be such a bitch, just brimming with hatred. And yet I am.
We've been trying to have our first child for so long that other couples, who thought that they would have trouble conceiving, have actually lapped us.
K (the husband) loves to tell me that it's not a race to anyone other than me, but that's because they've all already won. Seventy-five months is a long time, too long. Anyone else been trying for over 6 years? I feel totally alone.
I feel so helpless and useless right now. I can't stand this waiting, just sitting around and doing nothing is driving me looney. I tried to fill the time with sex but that's already fizzled out and I'm back to nothing again. The angry outbursts seem to be more prevalent too and I spend way too much time crying angry tears. It's awful and emotionally draining. Fitting I suppose, I do feel dead inside. I can barely feel anything anymore, save the rage.
Then there's my husband, and he just doesn't get it. I'm angry, angry at our circumstances, angry that it comes so easy for everyone around us, angry at every pregnant cunt that I have to see or know about, angry at my own body for betraying me like this and angry at him for not understanding. Worse yet, I'm convinced that he thinks I'm a monster, and maybe I am. He seems to think that my anger is an oddity but I don't think that's true at all. I don't want to be such a bitch, just brimming with hatred. And yet I am.
We've been trying to have our first child for so long that other couples, who thought that they would have trouble conceiving, have actually lapped us.
K (the husband) loves to tell me that it's not a race to anyone other than me, but that's because they've all already won. Seventy-five months is a long time, too long. Anyone else been trying for over 6 years? I feel totally alone.
01 April 2011
And the wait continues
And the wait for CD1 post miscarriage continues. It's only been 24 days, but I'm impatient and ready to get back to it. Every infertile knows that feeling well, I'm sure.
In other news, I'm keeping busy looking for a new job right now. It's a pain, but hopefully worth it in the end. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to put, "No pregnant women," as a working condition requirement? More importantly, "Do I give a flying hoohah if it is or not?"
In other news, I'm keeping busy looking for a new job right now. It's a pain, but hopefully worth it in the end. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to put, "No pregnant women," as a working condition requirement? More importantly, "Do I give a flying hoohah if it is or not?"
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