Bad blogger!

I've been neglecting my blog, mostly because I've had nothing productive to say. I've finally started my first post miscarriage cycle though and I'm gearing up for the baby making marathon. Today is cycle day 9 so I started the OPK today. Nothing yet, but that's to be expected. I don't know when to expect the Big O but I'm hoping by the end of next week.

The Rage Within

Cycle Day Limbo

I feel so helpless and useless right now. I can't stand this waiting, just sitting around and doing nothing is driving me looney. I tried to fill the time with sex but that's already fizzled out and I'm back to nothing again. The angry outbursts seem to be more prevalent too and I spend way too much time crying angry tears. It's awful and emotionally draining. Fitting I suppose, I do feel dead inside. I can barely feel anything anymore, save the rage.

Then there's my husband, and he just doesn't get it. I'm angry, angry at our circumstances, angry that it comes so easy for everyone around us, angry at every pregnant cunt that I have to see or know about, angry at my own body for betraying me like this and angry at him for not understanding. Worse yet, I'm convinced that he thinks I'm a monster, and maybe I am. He seems to think that my anger is an oddity but I don't think that's true at all. I don't want to be such a bitch, just brimming with hatred. And yet I am.

We've been trying to have our first child for so long that other couples, who thought that they would have trouble conceiving, have actually lapped us.
K (the husband) loves to tell me that it's not a race to anyone other than me, but that's because they've all already won. Seventy-five months is a long time, too long. Anyone else been trying for over 6 years? I feel totally alone.

And the wait continues

And the wait for CD1 post miscarriage continues. It's only been 24 days, but I'm impatient and ready to get back to it. Every infertile knows that feeling well, I'm sure.

In other news, I'm keeping busy looking for a new job right now. It's a pain, but hopefully worth it in the end. I wonder if it would be inappropriate to put, "No pregnant women," as a working condition requirement? More importantly, "Do I give a flying hoohah if it is or not?"

Ooh la la

I have found that there is one perk to taking a temporary TTC hiatus. It's so freeing to finally stop focusing on when I'm ovulating and just enjoy my time with the hubby. It's easy to forget that he's the reason that I want to start a family and the only one I could ever imagine having children with in the first place. I feel more connected to him now than I have in long time. I hope that when baby making is back on, I can still remember to focus on our relationship too. But for now, non-reproductive sex is fucking hot ....and I gotta get back to it.

The Fertility Diet

I'm still waiting on my first post miscarriage cycle, which sucks but what can I do? It seems a shame to accomplish nothing while waiting so I'm working on self improvement. I've gained alot (ahem...ALOT) of weight since we've started trying, and failing, to have a child and it's time to change that. I've always been a bit on the puffy side but it's getting out of control. When I first started looking for help with infertility, after doing all the testing and finding nothing wrong, I was told that I was just fat and it was my fault. Amusingly enough, I fell pregnant naturally (twice, mind you but still no baby) several years after this, and after gaining a metric fuckton of weight. And yes, that is how we measure weight here in the Midwest.

I dutifully ordered a copy of "The Fertility Diet" from Barnes & Noble and am about halfway through it. Most of the advice is to help avoid and combat ovulatory infertility, which I don't have, but it's still useful to me and can help boost ovulation in general. Maybe I'll manage to get knocked up with twins! I need some accountability to keep me honest and on my diet so I'm going to write about my progress and goals here. My first goal is to lose 25 pounds and get back to where I was pre-infertility induced depression.

Goodbye Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper, I'll always love you.

I've sworn off all fast food and trans fats. No more caffeinated or sugar laden drinks. I'm focusing on whole grains and vegetables/fruits. Getting whole grains is a pain in the ass and costs a small fortune. I spent much longer than I expected perusing the grocery store, reading labels and ingredient lists, just to pick up a few small things. It's infuriating. Then again, what doesn’t piss me off?

Stuck in Limbo and Pissed Off

Almost two weeks since my miscarriage and D&C, still no sign of the witch (AF). I finally stopped bleeding though, which is nice, but now I'm just waiting for more bleeding.

It's been a rough year so far. Last December, BIL's girlfriend started avoiding my calls and I was actually concerned that something was wrong. DH checked FB on Christmas Eve and found out why. She was pregnant. I spent Christmas crying and screaming at DH and the dogs. It should be punishable by law to announce that on Facebook, especially when the urine is still drying on the fucking stick. About two months prior to this, she told me that she ran out of BCP and they were using the pull out method for now. Now they're pretending that this was planned and not an accident. BIL actually had the nerve to tell FIL that they've been trying for a really long time. Granted, nobody believes that bullshit but it's a slap in the face to us and I'm personally insulted by a lie like that because we have been trying for a long time. Longer than they've even known each other. And then there's the fact that neither of them is fit to be a parent and that child will very likely be neglected.

It gets worse though. I fell pregnant in January and would have been due only a month after that skank. We never told anyone because of the fear of another loss and were planning to announce after I had an 11 week ultrasound and saw the Maternal-Fetal Specialist. But it didn't work out that way because I found out at the ultrasound that my baby had died several weeks prior. So now my baby is gone and I'll be reminded every year, when their child has a birthday, of what I should have...but don't. I really thought this year was going to be better but it's not looking good.

I married an Irishman...but I hate St. Patrick's Day

It was one year ago that I went to the ER, 6 weeks pregnant and in extreme pain. I went home that night with a diagnosis of dehydration and nausea. Then I passed out while trying to hobble to the bathroom. Two ambulance rides and one very painful ultrasound later, I was in a hospital room with a sore throat and several incisions in various places on my abdomen. There would be no baby for me. Even worse, my right fallopian tube was also gone now. It took five years for me to get pregnant and it was ripped away in an instant. I learned two very important lessons that day.

Pregnancy doesn't always equal having a baby. In all the time that I had mourned over my fertility issues, I never even considered this possibility. Getting pregnant was my entire focus. I didn't even know anyone that had lost a pregnancy, it seemed so easy for everyone else. Obviously, I knew pregnancy loss happens, I had just never thought of it as something that could happen me.

The universe doesn't care. It seems so unfair that some people just float through life and never have to worry. Actually, it IS unfair. I keep telling myself that I'm going to have a baby someday, that I'll cherish every moment of it because I had to struggle so hard, that it will all be worth it. Someday. Maybe there is no someday and why the hell should I have to struggle so flipping hard anyway.

It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it. I control the things I can and bitch relentlessly about the rest.